Why I Don’t Hang Out With People Named David

2 minute read

As many of you know, I like to hang out with cool people. I go out of my way to search my iPhone phone book for cool people to hang out with. Sometimes, my mom even sends me the email of random children in my general cohort of people she knows so that I might randomly email them and hang out with them. Seriously, I like cool people. And my main criterion for whether or not people are cool is really simple: Is this someone I’d really want to hang out with?

And really, the only criterion of coolness worth checking out is “Are they named David?”

Now let me clarify: people named David are nifty. They pay their bills, don’t beat their wives, drink something other than Mickey’s Malt Liquor and generally are normal human beings. But you see, being named David is a choice and whenever anyone voluntarily keeps David as their name, I have to ask “Why?”

Don’t get me wrong, being named David isn’t an instant showstopper for being cool. It’s just that lots of people I’ve known that were named David just weren’t cool which is best explained by a really bad simile: Being named David is like being David Hasselhoff.

Being David Hasselhoff is awesome if you want to be a world famous cult figure who goes to awesome parties, sings great songs on YouTube and was once the star of a kick-ass show called Knight Rider with a bad ass car that talked to him and saved him from bad guys. But if you want to be in independent films with Natalie Portman, you can’t because Natalie Portman doesn’t hang out in Cannes with David Hasselhoff. If you want to win Academy Awards, you can’t because David Hasselhoff doesn’t win Academy Awards. In short, if you want to do anything that doesn’t involve being David Hasselhoff, you can’t because you ARE David Hasselhoff.

See, by being David Hasselhoff, he can’t be in independent films. Well he could be but that doesn’t really fit in my story line. Therefore, because David Hasselhoff can’t be in independent films with Natalie Portman (even though he can be, it’s not important, try to forget I pointed that flaw in my storyline out, OH LOOK A CHICKEN!), then it must be true that people named David aren’t cool.

Instead I look for people who aren’t named David because it’s more likely that they fit closely into my weird and oddly supported worldview that people named David can’t be cool. I don’t want someone named David, I want someone named not David.

Just by being named David, your chances of being cool are practically zero and thus, I’d rather have hung out with you after you took a long nap.

So what’s the moral of this whole ridiculously overgeneralized and poorly thought out story? Two things:

  1. If you want to hang out with me, avoid being named David. Unless you’re David Hasselhoff, it does you no favors.
  2. If you are someone else and you meet someone named David, take notice and immediately become suspicious. They probably aren’t David Hasselhoff and thus, not cool.

It might sound harsh, and it is (with bad punctuation usage to boot). But frankly, life is too short to live without strict black and white rules that involve sweeping over-generalizations and easy ways to get lots of people to link to your site.

Yes, there really is a point to all this.